A May Update on this Year's Resolutions
- allymmmounga
- May 17, 2021
- 10 min read
FYI, this one gets real revealing and maybe harsh, so it may not be for sweet and sensitive darlings with big, empathetic hearts.
To go out—to house parties; to shops filled with mugs that are shaped like flowers and clouds, or ruby red cocktail dresses, or pearl earrings, or surfboards; on dates that take me to picnics in meadows on mountains, or rivers that are made for rafts, or places where great heights of snow lay untouched and beg to start snowball fights.
To read miraculous books that teach about living. My bookshelves are taken over by them, and yet, I haven‘t finished any!
To find flowers on my doorstep. I was listening to a love story and felt this wild want to open my door and find a florist with a bouquet, or a boy with one, or just a bunch of roses on my welcome mat. This year, I’m dreaming about that. And I suppose that‘s where the next one comes in:
To fall in love. It’s an odd resolution. I don’t think I’ve ever named it like this before, but this year, I‘m going to fall in love, to have a wildly romantic summer fling, or find myself in a soft, long term kinda thing. So much of my world revolves around love, but I’ve never thought of it this way—as something to do.
To start a podcast.
To travel more than ever before.
To turn this apartment into a dreamy, little fairy home.
To learn to cook. My current menu reads: tuna and crackers, salad, omelet, and ice cream.
8.
Well, I got sick of omelets pretty quick, and I've made quite a bit of progress on the cooking front--chicken, rice, and steamed veggies. Though, I've still got to learn how to season chicken. Teriyaki sauce has been my only salvation.
1.
As far as going out goes, I've done a whole lot of though. The parties have been fun. I remember feeling a bit timid and nervous at first, at these college parties with all of my friends that are two, three, or six years older than me, for that matter. But, I'm quite comfortable now. It's wild, actually, who I am in the room. Growing up, I was the firecracker, the crazy, spunky, loud energy in the room. In high school, I was the quiet, soft, fairy. Now, I'm kind of a bad-A. As we travel around the house or the yard to bump into our scattered circles of pals, I'm a harmonious, yet oppositional combination of the fairy and the firework. I lay low and listen to the conversations (or zone out and look around)--that's the fairy part. When the conversation comes to me, though, I am curt--the firecracker part.
Kylie: blip, bloop blap, blip blip, blap.
Who she's talking to: bleep bleep, blip blap, blap.
Kylie: blip.
Who she's talking to: And who are you?
Me: *zones back in* I'm Ally.
Them: *waits for more, maybe*
Me: *doesn't give it.*
Kylie: *says something like* she's our neighbor.
That's what I mean. I've changed so much. My energy is of much greater priority to me now, and I only give it when I want to. I don't have conversations with people that I don't connect with. I don't play pretend or play nice; I just kind of do what I want, and that will probably sound awful to some people. That's another realization that I've had: I'm not meant for people who require a lot of attention and energy from me, even though I have a small role in their life. I give mounds and mounds and Almond Joys of love to my people: my friends, my momma, my lovers, my grandmothers, but not to acquaintances at parties. And I like it that way.
I feel like I haven't been to enough sweet and precious shops, so I'll work on that one. Earthly Awakenings is definitely one that I've fallen in love with, though.
The beautiful nature dates. On New Year's Eve, I was in the back of a big car, wrapped up in a big blanket and a big guy. That's hilarious to me, now, because I'm definitely seeing a pattern of tall guys in my wake from that point forward. We were with some friends on a cliff, looking out over the fireworks in the valley through a whole lot of snow. It was chilly, and I'd definitely count that.
A neighbor of mine took me on a sweet and lovely date to Johnny O's Spudnuts, an adorable donut shop in town. We drove up to a wonderful lookout with our hot chocolates and treats. He was charming and sweet and we just had a lovely chat as we sat on a freezing bench in the snow, then drove through the valley. And when he picked me up for our date, he came with a pink Gerbera Daisy.
There was also a campfire date. I don't know if I've mentioned this story on the blog before. One day in January, I was walking home from the gym when this (also tall) boy in a FedEx uniform, standing outside of a white truck, talking to a couple of friends, I presumed, with his hand on his chin, as if deep in thought, said, "Excuse me." I turned my head and thought, "I'm not missing any FedEx packages, am I?" I walked over and he asked if I had any plans that night. I crack up thinking about it now; it was just so bizarre and hilarious. We went to a campfire up the canyon that night and I fell in love with First Dam.
At the gym that same week, this tall, curly haired boy stood in a group of guys a few feet away as I did the leg press. He'd been there for a while, before coming up and asking how many sets I had. I told him that I was almost done, and he flirted a little and told me not to leave it too heavy for them, *wink, wink.* After wrapping up, I headed the other way, but quick after, ran into his little bunch again. He said something cute, then I walked off again. A little bit later, though, he walked over to me and finally got the nerve to ask for my number. I loved his eyelashes, long as could be, and how his ears stuck out so much, haha. He was cute. I've still got a little crush on him, I suppose. Just after that night at the gym, he left for Mexico. When he came back, we went ice skating, which was sort of nature-y, then out for a gorgeous drive in the truck. The snow was magic--gosh, I just remember how beautiful it was. It was a great date, too. Looking over the valley, listening to alley-oop, of course, then hopping out and dancing in the snow together. Then, he kissed me.
And that's where the story gets messy, because on these dates that I would go on, boys decided to kiss me! I'm such a crazy, little bean to say this, but I just didn't know what to do, most of the time. Some of the kisses, I did want, but they never quite felt natural. And that will make sense to you if you've known me in real life, because you may know that up until December, I had only ever kissed people that I was in love with. Between December and February, that, somehow, just went out the window, and I went from having kissed two people, to having kissed seven. I'm not touchy with men until I really care about them. The girls and I have a lot of friends that just love to hug. Whenever we show up at the Wishing Well or a bonfire, or run into someone on campus, they always give a GD hug, and I just don't like it! Firecracker energy out here again. But, when I'm attracted to someone, when I trust them and adore them, I'm affectionate out the wazoo. I love to always be touching, to have their hand on my leg while we drive, to kiss, to be held--just not until then. But I don't regret the early kisses of this year. They were the catalysts that made me realize that I needed to start communicating and saying no. And that's come up a lot in these posts, because it's been a monumental change.
It was the change that led me into men hiatus. The last tall boy that I was seeing was a sweetheart, but we had a wild ride. We went out right after the guy from the gym, and this fella was a really close friend of the girls, so they were always kind of in the loop on what was going on. The situation was a bit tricky. I got uncomfortable quick, but I couldn't just disappear--I knew I'd run into him at every party, on campus in all of my favorite spots, maybe even downtown! And I was confused. I didn't how I felt about him, whether I was attracted, or if I was even ready for anything romantic, however small or big it was. I could tell that things were a bit different with him. They happened so serendipitously. He had one of my favorite names. When I would think about him while I'd study in The Hub, he'd appear and come sit across the table. And he was some sort of magnetic. He did these sweet things, like, just after our first date, he went to Culver's, and while I was at work, he dropped a pint of rich, chocolatey ice cream off at my house. He would always call, and I love to call. I loved those things, but there was a lot that wasn't compatible, too.
And quickly, I realized that I needed to stop giving him mixed signals and be really straight forward about it. So, I did. I knew that things wouldn't go anywhere between us, but I also knew that I needed to put a big, yellow "Dead End" sign in front of my door. I needed to go on a men hiatus.
Since the end of March, though, I have received a string of personal readings that have told me the same thing: that in April, I'd open myself back up to love, and soon after that, it would come right out of the woodwork. Well, it's definitely happened. But, that men hiatus changed me more than I expected. I've always been picky about love interest, but I've also always given everyone a chance. Now, I don't. I'm very clear on what I want, not specific, sort of demeaning things like a certain hair color or amount of money, but feelings. I want to feel physically attracted to someone, to feel adored, to feel balanced when I'm with him, to feel like we're on the same page energetically, etc.
So, as far as nature dates go, I expect a whole lot more--the rest of this spring, this summer, this fall, this winter.
2.
I've been reading poetry: Aimee Nezhukumatathil's World of Wonders and Virginia Hamilton Adair's Ants on the Melon. Poetry teaches me more about life than just about anything else, so I'd say this one's gone lovely, but I do want to read one book in particular, this year: The Four Agreements.
3.
I've received some flowers from lovely people, this year, and I've picked some for myself--for my kitchen vases, living room window vases, and bedroom one too. I feel like this one isn't done yet, though. This year, I am grateful as a sugared lemon for the flowers that have come so far, but I'd love something big to come with them: a habit, a confession. I'd love to fall in love with someone who brings me flowers every Sunday morning, or who appears at my front step with irises and a love confession, a plea of some sort. I'm a sucker for that shiz.
4.
And, I suppose it's no coincidence that this one follows the last one--to fall in love. Because I love friendship flowers and fatherly flowers and flowers from mum, but it's the romance that I dream about wildly. I've had micro-loves, with strangers that I pass on the sidewalks between the campus gardens, with strangers on the bus that I look up at, that look back. I've had love-flashes and love-glimpses with angels that I've gone out with, fallen in love with their voices, their mannerisms, their favorite foods, or seen the potential of love with them, but full love hasn't come yet. I'm holding out for the real one, the one who falls into place, the one who feels just right. And I know that I'm ready for it... on all fronts but one: that I don't yet want to let go of the feeling of waking up by myself in the morning and drinking my coffee alone in the garden, of spending an entire day out of the house, on wild fits of laughter with my friends and not answering any texts, of not worrying about anyone but myself, and thinking purely of my own accord. It's spring. I'm planting my seeds and enjoying the warm weather. All I ask of this resolution is that it comes in June, maybe, after I've had some sun to myself for a moment.
5.
The podcast is in the works... barely. We'll see how this one goes.
6.
So far, I've taken the shuttle to Las Vegas and driven to the Colorado River, driven from Blueberryville to home a basket of times, and explored this Blue Valley a little bit. I've definitely traveled more than before. This summer, I'm going to shuttle to and from home a whole bunch, which will be lovely, but I want to go elsewhere too. I'm updating this resolution.
6. To visit five states this year.
7.
The apartment that I lived in for spring semester was my fairy home, my sanctuary, and that was known by everyone who entered. My room was a heaven haven. The love letter that I wrote to that place was fulfilled. Though, I'd planned on staying in that home for much longer than I did. Sooner than expected, I'm in a new home, and this one is much more of a challenge, but it's also dreamy in its own accord. The yard is a fairy garden. The location is blessed and lovely. My room is a shoe box, but fairies are quite little, aren't they? I'll have it angelic in no time--it's an easy home to love.
There's the update. We've come a long way since the first of the year, and I love it all. I love the sticky, messy bits and the mistakes. (There have been a lot, FYI.) I love the beauty of it all. It's been a lovely year so far, and I have a feeling that this summer will be quite a sunny one.
Lots to love, lots of love,
Ally Baby
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