The Realization I've Had... I'm Invisible

In last week's post on the fire, I mentioned that the next one would be about a realization I've had. This is it.

Two weeks ago, listening to my favorite podcast, I thought about how I've always associated people with different fairytale people. I can't help but see my grounded, earthy feeling friends as forest fairies and some eerily quiet and stiff strangers as vampires. Everyone has some magic archetype: a prince, knight, sweet angel, monkey, cheetah girl, volcano, star, or witch.

If I were to create a personality test like the Myers Briggs, Enneagram, or the color one, mine would be this. I would just sit down with someone, ask some questions, feel their energy, and tell them what I could see. It wouldn't be at all scientific--the scientists would probably despise me, actually--and I wouldn't mind one bit, because the truth is that the scientists and I are complete opposites. And that's what I learned last week.

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I don't really believe in science, facts, or evidence. Everything that's seen as truth was thought up by a human being: the laws of gravity, inertia, or motion. Because the way I see it, all of those things could be disproven at any second, and that proves that we don't understand everything. We are proven wrong all the time (so we clearly have lots of learning to do), and it isn't hard to believe that some of the ideas fed to us could be manipulated for someone else's benefit.

I work hard to keep politics and spooky things away from my blog, as I want it to be a wonderful, loving home for us all to reside in. For that same reason, I feel protective of you friends, as the momma of this home, and want you to always be safe and informed--so I'll briefly mention that I take everything that's told to me with a grain of salt and consider deeply who benefits from whatever I believe. There are truly bad people in this world that I've done extensive research on, and I encourage everyone else to do their homework and be aware of what goes on around them.

I don't trust the textbooks, scientists, or academics, because everything that's created by another human being is affected by natural human bias. The education system has deep political ties and motivations, so do you know what I live by? Do you know what informs the decisions that I make?

My own feelings. I converse with people deeply and discuss my heart's wildest curiosities and confusions, then listen and ask it to tell me what the truth is. My knowledge comes from the people that I trust, but beyond that, from what my heart tells me is true from that conversation. And those heart knowings come from my intuition and a deep connection to God. Every conversation I have with someone else is followed by a chat with him.

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This is just one example of my odd little nature. It's unconventional to many and absolutely awful to some, but it's just who I am. I am the meadow fairy, the one that traipses through a field of wildflowers in the mountains, dreamy eyed, and so airy that it seems as though I'm floating. If I take off my shoes--the only things that seem to be tying me to the ground--I may float up into the clouds and not land until I'm over a vineyard in Italy or a sweet little island full of happy island people and tropical fruit. Maybe I won't ever land at all.

There is absolutely nothing concrete about me; I really live in a moving sky, where sunshine is made of feelings and clouds are cotton candy homes. For maybe three days, I wake up early as a bird, inspired and creative in the hours before the sun comes up. The next three days, I'm staying up all night long with paints, books, or movies, doing the exact opposite of what I'd done before. My routine changes constantly. I rotate between different passions every hour, week, month, or year. It seems that there is just nothing about me that will hold still for a season.

There's nothing tangible in the sky. Everything is wispy and fleeting; a world of ideas rather than reality. I'm just incredibly out of touch with anything tangible. In Chemistry class, while the other kids were thrilled to not be taking notes, I was always a bit disappointed when we had lab days. The thing is, I'm just not blessed with a physical understanding. I'd rather philosophize in a lecture, the knowledge in my mind, than do a real life experiment. Learning to cut dough and make pie crusts at the bakery did not come naturally at all. Mixing blizzards and taking orders on the headset while putting sandwiches, fries, and frysauce in paper bags at Dairy Queen were out of my realm.

I thought it to be absolutely ridiculous, but now, love it. I recognize that it's my divine nature to see the tangible, regular aspects of life as alien, because my nature is so in tune with the metaphysical aspects of life. I am the alien. Everything that I love is loved because it lights me up inside. I have never been comfortable with physical routine--to do lists with tasks like...

1. deposit check

2. bananas, hot pockets, and chia seeds."

3. clean bathroom

Because truly, I'm not built to have plans. I'm not made to deposit checks, pick up groceries, or clean the bathroom because I'm supposed to. It's something mom told me all throughout my childhood when I didn't do my cleaning or cut my hair and "hid" it in the garbage can, "Ally always does what Ally wants to do." I'm made to do whatever the sugar I want. If that sounds ridiculous to you, you're not alone. It seems quite silly to me too.

But the thing is, I know it's true. I know that I've been trying to do what other people do for the sake of making them happy, but that, at the end of the day, it conflicts with my core. For some people, structure, routine, and going through the everyday movements that are bound to bring success works. It gives them a splendid foundation and a sure way to achieve whatever they wish, because consistency gets so much done.

The thing is, that just isn't me. I'm a generator; everything about me is drawn to do what inspires me, and what inspires me is always changing. Today, I spent the whole day listening to true crime podcasts, painting moons and numbers, and working on a Rubix cube. The three days before this were all about keeping the kitchen clean. My happiness has been even despite these opposite kinds of days. Sometimes it makes me so happy to clean the whole house, and other times, when it isn't my choice, but instead, is something that I need to do, I feel stressed out and anxious.

Doing what I want is what works for me; each day is entirely different, and I've learned to live that way. I've learned the little bits and pieces that make it run smoothly. I've learned how to motivate myself to want to do what needs to be done. I've learned to cut some things out of my life altogether. I've learned that my ideal life is so incredibly free of structure, time constraints, and stress. It's intuitive and wild: a life based on doing what I love. That's what I'm good at, and isn't that the purpose of life--to do what you love? Isn't that where success comes from--doing what you love?

That's how I will live my life. I know what I want and I will create a future that allows me to continue living this way. I'm a free spirit, so I'm going to live freely. I'm a cloudy girl, the kind that lifts the hem of her dress to run through the meadows, then jumps out of her shoes and drifts up into the sky to live with the cotton candy clouds and the moon. I'm an airy, silly, crazily untouchable girl that lives in a world of invisible things: feelings, ideas, and love. Just this week, a friend of years that I love forever and talk to occasionally sent me a song that I haven't heard in years, saying, "This reminds me of you."

She's so Untouchable by Garden City Movement

I'm untouchable, not in the way of invincibility, but in the way of invisibility.